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Jun. 25th, 2013


I think I need anti-depressants.

Mar. 29th, 2013


Over the past couple of months I have been considering deleting my journal. As you can see, I dont really update often. I actually do have a job now. I have been employed since the first week of September. I work in a school by my parents' house that is for autistic children. I only work in the cafeteria, but it makes me feel that Special Ed is the right course for me. Actually, my birthday was last Friday and a few of the teachers signed a card for me and they all mentioned how well I get along with the children so that helped as well. They are open during the summer which is great as well, but I will probably  quit in August. In September I will be continuing my college experience, most likely at Rider University, and since I will be there full time during the day, I will not be able to work in a school.

Annabelle and I will probably be moving in with my oldest brother and his girlfriend in August. The more I look at continuing my education, the more I realize that I cannot live on my own any longer. If I am at school all day, I will have to work part time in the evenings/night. There needs to be someone home with Annie while she sleeps . Hopefully I will be able to get state aid for a babysitter for some of the time, and she is at her dad's 3 nights a week which helps a lot,  but I just don't have it in me to be on our own anymore.



But anyways. I am also now on a mission to get fit. So I will be exercising and changing my diet and I have decided to use my journal to keep track of this. So it will probably get really boring, but no one reads this shit anyway so oh well

Aug. 27th, 2012


Still unemployed

Aug. 21st, 2012


Haha I lost my job...
Anybody know something I can do from home? Or anything really?
Shit so screwed....

Apr. 1st, 2012





 
Annie turned 1 on March 10. My 23rd birthday was March 22.
Hard to believe its been a year already. I know I suck at updating this. 

Dec. 26th, 2011


I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas like Annabelle and I did.
Once we go home I will be sure to post lots of photos, butfor now we have to get ready for her first trip to New York City

Dec. 12th, 2011


Annabelle and I are sending out christmas cards.
Would anyone like to be added to our list? The more the merrier

Jun. 15th, 2011


1) You get to change one current thing in the world for you child's future (be it finding the cure for cancer, ending a particular war, a new technology etc etc etc). Which would it be?

If I could change one thing for Annabelle... You know it's so hard trying to chose one thing. She's only three months old but I want so much better for her than I have. I'm not saying my parents did a bad job or anything, I have an inkling its natural to feel this way.
At this point in time tho, I think my number one want for her is that America's economy turns around. To do better for her, I need a better job. However, with the economy so sucky it's been difficult trying to find something. My job right now doesn't even want to give me a raise or promote me, two things I have been promised since last September. But they are too worried about their money and know I have nothing better to go to so they will not fulfill those promises. If our economy starts to get better tho, I know I will be able to do so much more for her. And even tho they say money isn't everything, sometimes it is.

2) You're the trend-setter of the world. What fashion/entertainment//other trends do you start?

You know what would be an amazing trend? Girls wearing "revealing" clothes and not being deemed sluts.

3) Are there any books you've only read once, but still find awesome - and if so, why?

I only made it through the LotR books once and I know everyone says there's too much detail in them, but I think that's whats makes them beautiful. You can really feel yourself falling into the story and you become a part of it.

4) If you could change just one aspect of yourself, what would you change?

I wouldn't try to please people so much. Every day I feel like a failure because I have let someone I know down. Like today, I am awake at 2 in the morning because I have ended up horribly offending Annabelle's paternal grandparents. To the best of my knowledge, neither of them are religious so I did not invite them to her Baptism this Saturday. Her father isn't coming, no one on that side of the family is actually. So I thought I was doing the right thing. Nope! I am apparently trying to cut them out of her life. Because it is entirely up to me to make sure they get to visit with her. Even though they haven't called me up once to see her.
I just try to make everyone else happy all the time. I was in an amazing mood this evening. I went on a date with a nice guy and got to chill out and relax for a couple hours by myself and not worry about the baby. But not even an hour later it all comes crashing down and I have felt like shit for the last five hours.

5) What has traveling taught you about your own country?
Our public transportation system sucks. Last year I lived in a tiny town in Germany and their system was better than ours. Its so hard to get anywhere and even if you try to use the transit to help the economy it almost always ends up screwing you up the ass.

Baby!


So on March 10 at 5:15 pm I had a baby girl. She was 7 pounds 14 ounces, and 20 and a half inches long. She is now 8 pounds, possibly more. Her name is Annabelle Leigh McGowan. Here she is:





Labor was... interesting. On Wednesday I had gone to the hospital because I woke up and my bed was soaked and it wasn't pee. I called the doctor and my parents and both said go to the hospital to get it checked out. After about 4 hours a doctor finally checked me out and said nope it wasn't my water. She wanted to induce me but there were too many women there already in labor and there just wasn't space for me. So I went back home.

I woke up Thursday morning around 4 with the most horrible headache. I thought about calling the hospital because on my discharge papers they said to contact them if I had that kind of headache, but I also had an appointment scheduled with my doctor at 9:30. So I decided to go back to sleep. And when I woke up around 9 I still had a horrible headache and I was bleeding a little. I knew I was headed back to the hospital but I still decided to go to the doctor appointment. She was giving me my exam while I was talking about the visit on Wednesday and she ended up breaking my water. So I got in my car, drove home and waited for my dad to get me.

We arrived at the hospital around 11:30. I went into the labor room and let me tell you, contractions kind of suck. I knew I needed to breath through them but while it's easy at first, the further you go the more they kill your concentration. Around 1 o'clock they moved me to a delivery room. I wish at this point they had talked to me more and told me things were going a little faster than expected because there are three things I would have changed:
1. I would have called Jeremy and told him I was in full labor and that our child would be coming sooner rather than later.
2. My cousin Veronica had asked to be present and I had been waiting to call her to make sure everything was happening that was supposed to and at this point I hurt too much and was too confused to really communicate to my dad that I wanted him to call her and let her know.
3. Right before they switched my room I had texted my manager at work saying I was back at the hospital. She had driven me there on Wednesday and I wanted to keep her informed. But all my message said was I was readmitted and I think I scared her a little bit by not giving any details and then disappearing.

So around 2 they started asking me all these questions and I really don't know why they waited so long. My contractions were about 2 minutes apart and trying to breath through them and answer questions at the same time was insanely difficult. I kept asking for pain meds and they told me oh just a few minutes. Yeah that never happened. All I really remember is that when they finally decided to give me something they said I wasn't ready for the epidural and they were going to give me some sedative. So they went to check things and it turns out I was at 6 centimeters which meant I was ready for the epidural, but they had to go get the midwife before they were allowed to give it to me. So they get her and she goes to check me out and I'm at 8 centimeters and they're telling me to push.

I spent probably 20 minutes or so seriously pushing. I think... That's what I remember at least. I don't actually remember giving birth, I was actually gearing myself up to push again and my dad was like "Brigid, you did it. She's here." And I was just like "... oh..." So they put stitches in me and then gave me some perkacet which got me totally high. Around 7 they were going to move me over to the nursery wing, but I asked to go to the bathroom first. My mistake, because I passed out in the bathroom. It was semi-okay though because there were nurses with me so I didn't actually hurt myself. But it did mean I didn't make it to the nursery til about 8, I didn't get to tell anybody about the baby until about 8:30 and I didn't see her until 9.

Mar. 8th, 2011


I dont want to be alone

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